Navigating Divorce and Separation with Kids: Strategies for Stability and Resilience

Divorce and separation are some of the most challenging experiences a family can go through, especially when children are involved. As parents, navigating this difficult transition while holding the weight of your children’s emotional well-being on your shoulders, can feel overwhelming. This is why we sat down with Dennis Sushkin on the Parenting Ed-Ventures podcast. Dennis is a counseling psychologist at the Calgary Counseling Centre and has extensive experience working with clients of all ages and guiding families through difficult circumstances. 

In our conversation, Dennis stressed that one of the most crucial things parents can do is ask themselves: “how can [I] create a children-centered divorce as opposed to creating a divorce-centered childhood for [my] kids?”, encouraging parents to frame the situation in a way that is centered around their children’s well-being. But what exactly does this look like? Dennis breaks it all down for us.  

How to Talk to Children About Divorce

One of the most anxiety-inducing aspects of separation is navigating how to best discuss it with children. According to Dennis, many parents experience deep feelings of guilt and shame, wondering if they are making a mistake and if they are failing their children. He reassures parents that these feelings are normal and that self-compassion is a vital part of setting the stage for a constructive conversation.

Rather than approaching the discussion from a place of fear or guilt, Dennis encourages parents to “slow down and ask yourself: ‘What do my children need right now?’” By prioritizing a child-centered approach to this conversation, parents can create an environment that is mindful of their children’s emotions, developmental stages, and overall well-being.

But this doesn’t mean that parents need to neglect their own needs either. “It’s a really hard balance to find,” Dennis explained, highlighting the importance of parents thinking about their own emotions and struggles too, and finding compassion for themselves first, before entering a conversation with their children. 

Understanding Children’s Reactions by Age

When breaking the news of a divorce, parents should be mindful that children’s responses can, and likely will, vary widely. While developmental age plays a role, the biggest indicator of how a child will react runs much deeper. 

“Reactions themselves are quite often more connected with the families and the relationships that were present before the divorce happened” Dennis explained, noting that the environment and emotions leading up to the divorce or separation often set the tone for how the child will handle the life-change. Some children may feel devastated, while others may feel a sense of relief–seeing it as an end to household conflict. 

Navigating the Emotional Challenges of Divorce as a Parent

Divorce is an emotionally charged experience, and for parents, the stakes feel even higher. Not only must they manage their own emotions, but they also have to support their children through the process. Amidst all this, life continues moving forward at an unrelenting pace—there’s no pause button for responsibilities, work, or daily life. 

Dennis offers an analogy to help parents understand just how important it is for them to take care of their own emotions before approaching this conversation with their children; comparing it to the announcement before takeoff on an airplane, reminding passengers to put their own oxygen masks on first, before helping anyone else. 

“This is not because people are encouraged to be selfish,” Dennis explains, “but in order to help others, you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. And I don't know any parent that doesn't struggle with this, with not knowing how to separate, [whether] they are being selfish or just taking care of themselves,” because, Dennis notes, when the plane is crashing, that distinction is much more obvious.

Many parents struggle with distinguishing between self-care and selfishness, especially in the midst of a divorce. The emotional turmoil of separation can bring about feelings of guilt, grief, relief, and even anxiety about the future. Recognizing these emotions and finding ways to address them is critical; and oftentimes therapy can be a very beneficial tool in doing so. 

Dispelling the Myth: Divorce Doesn’t Mean Failure

Many parents worry that divorce will inevitably harm their children. Dennis, however, emphasizes that divorce itself is not inherently negative—it’s how parents navigate the process that determines its impact. While some children may react with shock and distress, others may express relief, especially if they have witnessed prolonged conflict between their parents.

“Some relationships end, and that's fair, this is normal, this happens” explains Dennis, adding that it’s important for parents to know that divorce can be a success story. 

Every child’s reaction is unique and is often influenced more by the family dynamics leading up to the divorce rather than the separation itself. Some children may have sensed the tension and anticipated the decision, while others may feel blindsided. Regardless of their reaction, it is essential for parents to provide consistent emotional support and reassurance.

Teaching Children About Family Differences

Whether children are from single or dual households, it’s always important to teach your children about the diversity that they will inevitably encounter in school and with their peers. Children are naturally curious and perceptive, and they may notice when a friend has parents living in separate households. They may ask questions like, "Why does my friend have two homes?" or "Will you and Dad/Mom ever separate?" These questions can bring about fear, uncertainty, and curiosity.

According to Dennis, having open and honest conversations are key. Parents can acknowledge their child’s observations and offer simple, reassuring explanations such as:

• "Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some families live in one house, and others live in two."

• "Even when parents don’t live together anymore, they both still love and take care of their children."

Using books and stories is another excellent way to help children understand different family structures. You can check your local library for books that showcase diverse families to help your children see the different ways that families can look.

The Importance of Connection and Offering Support

Parenting can often feel like an isolating experience, and divorce can intensify that loneliness. Many parents question whether they are doing a good job, assuming that others are handling similar situations better than they are. Recognizing that struggles are common and that support is available can help reduce these feelings of isolation.

Encouraging children to build friendships with peers going through similar experiences can also be beneficial. Parents can help by facilitating playdates or social interactions, offering children a safe space to connect and share their feelings. A simple invitation for a child to spend an afternoon together or stay for a sleepover can make a significant impact, providing comfort and stability during a difficult transition.

Additionally, offering support to other parents going through divorce—whether by reaching out, organizing meet-ups, or simply lending a listening ear—can create a stronger sense of community. Many parents struggle to ask for help, so being proactive in offering support can make a meaningful difference in someone else's journey.

Ultimately, while divorce presents many challenges, it also provides an opportunity for growth, healing, and stronger family connections. With the right resources, a supportive network, and a commitment to emotional well-being, families can successfully navigate this transition and create a positive future for themselves and their children.