The Bedtime Battle: How to Create Bedtime Routines that Actually Work
Does bedtime in your home feel more like a struggle than a soothing routine? Is your child getting up multiple times throughout the night or waking up with bags under their eyes despite extended sleep periods? You’re not alone—many parents face challenges when it comes to getting their children to sleep soundly and through the night. The good news? It doesn’t have to stay this way. That’s why we invited Sammy Merritt, a Registered Psychologist and pediatric sleep expert, to join us on the Parenting Ed-Ventures podcast.
Sammy is the founder of The Merritts of Sleep and specializes in evidence-based, attachment-focused, and mental health-conscious approaches to sleep. As a mom of two, she understands firsthand the exhaustion and frustration that can come with sleep struggles—and she’s dedicated her career to helping parents just like you!
Why Sleep Is Vital for Children’s Development
Sleep is a cornerstone of wellness for school-aged children, supporting key areas of growth and functioning, which Sammy breaks down as including:
Cognitive Development: Sleep helps children concentrate, think clearly, and form long-term memories. A lack of sleep can lead to “brain fog,” impacting their ability to retain what they learn.
Physical Development: During sleep, the body repairs tissues, builds muscle, and strengthens the immune system.
Emotional Regulation: Rested children are better able to manage their emotions. Like adults, kids can become irritable and impatient when sleep-deprived. However, unlike adults, they may struggle to identify the connection between lack of sleep and their feelings.
The Empathy Factor: Seeing Sleep Through a Child’s Eyes
As adults, we can often pinpoint when sleep deprivation makes us less patient or more irritable. Children, however, lack the awareness to connect their struggles to their lack of rest. Parents may unconsciously expect more emotional regulation from their kids than they would of themselves under similar circumstances.
"I think sometimes as parents, we forget to make that connection for our kids," Sammy explained. "We sometimes expect better, everything, out of our kids, than maybe we expect out of ourselves...we expect them to listen to us all of the time, and then get frustrated when they don't," she continued, "so being able to put ourselves in their shoes and naming it for them [can help] build that awareness."
When a child struggles with emotions or behaviour after a poor night’s sleep, an empathetic approach can help. Acknowledge their feelings and gently explain: “Since you didn’t get a good sleep last night, it might feel harder to deal with your feelings today.” By naming the problem, parents can help their children build awareness and self-regulation skills over time.
Common Sleep Challenges in School-Aged Children
1. Medical Issues Affecting Sleep
Sometimes, sleeping issues are a result or symptom of underlying medical issues, which need to be addressed by a physician before anything else, Sammy highlighted. Parents should be aware of and rule out any potential medical factors that may disrupt their child’s sleep with their doctor. Some of these red flags can include:
Breathing through the mouth during sleep
Audible breath-catching or snoring
Grinding teeth
Persistent tiredness despite adequate sleep time
These symptoms can indicate conditions like sleep-disordered breathing, where the body prioritizes maintaining the airway over getting quality rest. If parents notice any of these signs, or have other concerns about their child's sleep quality, it's important to address it with you family doctor or general physician. Without addressing underlying medical concerns, behavioural strategies may be ineffective.
2. Assistance to Sleep
"The next most common concern that I see in families that I work with is that the child is being assisted to sleep," explains Sammy. Many parents assist their children to sleep by rocking, lying with them, or holding their hand. While comforting, this habit can create a reliance that disrupts sleep cycles--which begin in children as young as 4 months old.
Children naturally wake several times a night as part of their sleep cycle. If their environment differs from when they first fell asleep—such as no longer having a parent present—this can cause them to become disoriented and fully wake up, needing assistance to return to sleep. This is why Sammy recommends against the notion that children and babies should be put to bed already drowsy.
"Drowsy is actually the first stage of sleep," Sammy explains, "so if a kid is drowsy when they're laid down--that's the beginning of their sleep cycle already, so when they wake up, they have to be made drowsy again," noting that the goal is for your child to be wide awake when they are laid down for sleep.
3. Separation Anxiety at Bedtime
For some children, bedtime triggers separation anxiety. The thought of being alone can make falling asleep difficult, leading to stress for both the child and the parent. "Sleep is the most vulnerable thing we can do," Sammy acknowledges, "and seeing your child suffer, it's really, really hard as parents."
When it comes to separation anxiety, the goal as Sammy explains, is to bridge the connection between the parent and child, to make the child feel as though they can handle being separated from their parent. "We're not going to make it easy, we're not going to tell [the child] not to be upset," Sammy explained, "it's validating their experiences and supporting them through that."
Strategies for Better Sleep
1. Promote Independent Sleep Habits
Encourage children to fall asleep on their own, fully awake, in the same environment they’ll wake up in. This fosters a sense of safety and allows them to self-soothe when they wake during the night.
2. Address Separation Anxiety
To ease nighttime anxiety, focus on strengthening connection during the day. A short, uninterrupted period of one-on-one time—where the child leads the activity—can fill what Sammy calls their “connection cup.” This reassures them emotionally, making bedtime transitions smoother.
Connection is a powerful tool in shaping both daytime behaviour and sleep habits. When children feel secure in their bond with caregivers, they are more likely to cooperate and relax at bedtime. Simple practices like reading The Invisible String or engaging in rituals like The Kissing Hand can reinforce the idea that love and connection persist, even when physically apart.
Practical connection strategies for bedtime include:
Tangible Comfort Items: A soft shirt that smells like a parent or a special stuffed animal can help children feel secure.
Goodbye and Hello Routines: Establishing consistent routines, like a special hug or a phrase at bedtime and a warm greeting in the morning, helps children anticipate and trust the cycle of separation and reunion.
One-on-One Daytime Time: Spending uninterrupted time with your child during the day fills their "connection cup," reducing anxiety at bedtime.
3. Craft the ideal sleep environment
A child’s sleep environment can greatly impact their ability to fall and stay asleep. Here’s how to optimize it:
Keep the Room Dark: Darkness signals to the body that it’s time for sleep. Use blackout curtains or a sleep mask for older children. If a nightlight is necessary, opt for a red light, as it doesn’t disrupt melatonin production like blue or yellow light can.
Introduce White Noise: White noise can soothe children by blocking external sounds, creating a consistent auditory environment that aids in falling asleep and staying asleep.
Maintain a Cool Temperature: A room temperature of 18-20°C (64-68°F) helps align with the body’s natural drop in temperature during sleep, promoting more restful slumber.
Avoid Screens Before Bed: Screens emit stimulating blue light, making it harder for children to wind down. Ideally, screens should be avoided for at least two hours before bedtime. If screen time is unavoidable, use blue-light-reducing features like night shift mode.
4. Create a Consistent Bedtime Routine
Consistency is key when it comes to bedtime. A predictable routine not only helps children wind down but also sets their internal body clock for consistent sleep patterns.
Here’s what an ideal bedtime routine might include:
Hygiene: Activities like brushing teeth, washing their face, or taking a bath signal the start of the bedtime process.
Connection Time: Read a story, sing a lullaby, or talk about the highlights of their day to help them feel secure.
Winding Down: Avoid stimulating activities like roughhousing or active play before bed. Instead, focus on calming activities that help children relax.
Sleep is a journey, and finding what works for your child may take time, but with the right tools, insights, and strategies you can support your child in getting the rest they need to thrive.
For more parenting tips and resources, make sure to listen to the Parenting Ed-Ventures podcast and reach out to Tutor Teach to explore how our personalized tutoring services can complement your child’s educational and developmental journey.
